A Friend Always Focuses On Her Own Life: Should I Cut Her Off?
Our friends for over two decades, a person who's overcome numerous hardships, her resilience is commendable. Yet, she's constantly taken by surprise by others. Her partner left her, and it was a huge shock. Many of her social circle drifted away during that time, since they had been only interested in her husband. She was stunned by her. She put in greater energy in our friendship, and must have grasped more clearly the meaning of companionship.
The Pattern of Disappearance
Over the years, many of her friends have drifted apart and she isn't sure why. Her previous job became hostile, even though she was highly competent, her exit happened without knowing what had changed.
How Things Stand Now
Lately, both of us left the workforce leading to more time together, yet I realize the part I play in our friendship feels one-sided. I introduce discussion points only for her to redirect them to what interests her. Politically, she holds unyielding views. My effort is to propose verifying facts and alternate views.
She's been arranging a holiday abroad I've visited repeatedly and lived in for a while. My intention was to provide insights, yet it was not welcomed. She really only wanted my agreement with her decisions. I recently returned from 30 days in that country she is eager to catch up, but I don't.
Weighing the Options
I hesitate to act as a friend that walks away without a word, yet I doubt she will ever grasp the impact of her behaviour on my confidence. At this point, I find myself in avoidance mode. How should I proceed?
Ways Forward
One option is to end things abruptly, yet this is not often a smooth outcome that we desire. However, addressing it aiming for resolution requires bravery and willingness on both your parts.
Experts suggest applying a useful conflict resolution tool:
"Initially involves describing the usual pattern when you talk. This needs to be as factual as possible and basically an unbiased account. The second involves sharing how this makes you feel. Ideally, there's no argument about this. Your feelings belong to you, of course. Step three is to ask ways you together can shift the dynamics of your friendship."
Consider that she also has a point of view, so you need to stay open to acknowledge it. An approach that works involves stating her:
"It's your turn to speak and I'm going to not say anything for a set time."It's wildly impactful in fostering better communication.
Closing Considerations
Your friend might reject everything, for those who cling to a “survival narrative”: they maintain a narrative of their life they cannot release since their identity depends upon it and it represents they trust. This is difficult when there seems no clear path with these people, only cul-de-sacs. Yet she could start out defensively before reflecting your perspective. And even if you never reach an agreement, it will give you satisfaction from having been open and direct.
